We receive many kind words. We have selected five and verified none.
“They fell my vase eleven times. I have never felt so seen.” A customer who preferred to be anonymous.
“The Bureau reproduced my kitchen disaster in under an hour. The cat left a review of its own, which was a stare.” Another customer, possibly the same one.
“I wanted closure. I got a certificate and a paw print.” A satisfied client.
“We hired the Bureau to prove the cat was innocent. The cat has since been promoted.” A confused household.
“Excellent. Fell again.” A final, concise review.
Reviews From The Cats
We also asked the cats for feedback. Their responses were, in order: a long blink, a yawn, and the slow removal of a pencil from a nearby shelf. We have interpreted these as five stars, three stars and a formal complaint.
A Note On Authenticity
Some readers may wonder whether these testimonials are real. They are as real as the Bureau’s license, which is also in a drawer and which has a paw print on it. We stand by every one.
Leave Your Own
If you would like to submit a testimonial, please write it on a piece of paper and leave it on a table edge. We will find it.
Our Commitment To Honesty
The Bureau cares deeply about truth. For this reason, none of the testimonials above have been edited, except where a reviewer was rude, where a reviewer was unclear, or where a reviewer was not a person. In those cases we corrected them gently, with a stamp.
Methodology
Each testimonial is assigned a reliability score between one and ten. The scores are decided by throwing a pen across the office and counting how long it takes the Director to look up. The average score is a respectable six, which we describe publicly as very good.
We thank every reviewer, real or invented. They are all equally accurate.
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