A Bureau visit is simple. We arrive, we observe, we replicate, and we leave. These steps will help.
- Leave the object where it fell. Do not tidy it. A tidy scene is a lie.
- Tell us which cat. If you do not know, tell us which cats.
- Provide tea. The Replicators will not drink it, but the cat will want to see it fall.
- Remove your own breakables. We will bring a replica set.
- Do not speak during the fall. The cat will take it as feedback.
- Keep a towel handy for the second fall.
- Do not ask whether it will happen again. It will.
- Offer a treat afterwards. This is not a reward. It is a closing ceremony.
Why We Ask For These Things
The Bureau’s questions are not decoration. When we ask you to leave the object where it fell, we are protecting the scene. When we ask you to provide a towel, we are protecting the floor. When we ask you to stay quiet, we are protecting the cat’s concentration, which is fragile and has the attention span of a teaspoon.
What To Expect On The Day
Two Replicators will arrive in a van with a picture of a falling teacup painted on the side. They will wipe their paws on your mat, greet the household cat, and begin the observation with a long, respectful silence. After about forty minutes they will leave the room, then come back, then leave again. This is normal.
After The Visit
You will receive a certificate by post, in an envelope with a small paw smudge. If the smudge is missing, please write to us. We will send a replacement smudge.
Checklist Summary
In short: leave the scene, provide the towel, keep quiet and trust the cat. If you remember only one thing from this page, remember the towel. It has saved more floors than any invention in history, and it has never once been thanked.
Thank you for choosing the Bureau. Mind the edge.
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