Purrfect Repro Bureau

Tag: paperwork

  • Testimonials, Verified By Nobody

    Testimonials, Verified By Nobody

    We receive many kind words. We have selected five and verified none.

    “They fell my vase eleven times. I have never felt so seen.” A customer who preferred to be anonymous.

    “The Bureau reproduced my kitchen disaster in under an hour. The cat left a review of its own, which was a stare.” Another customer, possibly the same one.

    “I wanted closure. I got a certificate and a paw print.” A satisfied client.

    “We hired the Bureau to prove the cat was innocent. The cat has since been promoted.” A confused household.

    “Excellent. Fell again.” A final, concise review.

    Reviews From The Cats

    We also asked the cats for feedback. Their responses were, in order: a long blink, a yawn, and the slow removal of a pencil from a nearby shelf. We have interpreted these as five stars, three stars and a formal complaint.

    A Note On Authenticity

    Some readers may wonder whether these testimonials are real. They are as real as the Bureau’s license, which is also in a drawer and which has a paw print on it. We stand by every one.

    Leave Your Own

    If you would like to submit a testimonial, please write it on a piece of paper and leave it on a table edge. We will find it.

    Our Commitment To Honesty

    The Bureau cares deeply about truth. For this reason, none of the testimonials above have been edited, except where a reviewer was rude, where a reviewer was unclear, or where a reviewer was not a person. In those cases we corrected them gently, with a stamp.

    Methodology

    Each testimonial is assigned a reliability score between one and ten. The scores are decided by throwing a pen across the office and counting how long it takes the Director to look up. The average score is a respectable six, which we describe publicly as very good.

    We thank every reviewer, real or invented. They are all equally accurate.

  • How To Prepare Your Home For A Replication Visit

    How To Prepare Your Home For A Replication Visit

    A Bureau visit is simple. We arrive, we observe, we replicate, and we leave. These steps will help.

    • Leave the object where it fell. Do not tidy it. A tidy scene is a lie.
    • Tell us which cat. If you do not know, tell us which cats.
    • Provide tea. The Replicators will not drink it, but the cat will want to see it fall.
    • Remove your own breakables. We will bring a replica set.
    • Do not speak during the fall. The cat will take it as feedback.
    • Keep a towel handy for the second fall.
    • Do not ask whether it will happen again. It will.
    • Offer a treat afterwards. This is not a reward. It is a closing ceremony.

    Why We Ask For These Things

    The Bureau’s questions are not decoration. When we ask you to leave the object where it fell, we are protecting the scene. When we ask you to provide a towel, we are protecting the floor. When we ask you to stay quiet, we are protecting the cat’s concentration, which is fragile and has the attention span of a teaspoon.

    What To Expect On The Day

    Two Replicators will arrive in a van with a picture of a falling teacup painted on the side. They will wipe their paws on your mat, greet the household cat, and begin the observation with a long, respectful silence. After about forty minutes they will leave the room, then come back, then leave again. This is normal.

    After The Visit

    You will receive a certificate by post, in an envelope with a small paw smudge. If the smudge is missing, please write to us. We will send a replacement smudge.

    Checklist Summary

    In short: leave the scene, provide the towel, keep quiet and trust the cat. If you remember only one thing from this page, remember the towel. It has saved more floors than any invention in history, and it has never once been thanked.

    Thank you for choosing the Bureau. Mind the edge.

  • Equipment Review: The Bureau’s New Measuring Tape (Which a Cat Sat On)

    Equipment Review: The Bureau’s New Measuring Tape (Which a Cat Sat On)

    The Bureau invests heavily in precision tools. This review covers the five items we use most, and the one item we cannot find.

    The Tape

    Our main measuring tape is five metres long and has been sat on by four cats. It now reads accurately only to the nearest cat. We have decided this is acceptable.

    The Spirit Level

    Used to confirm that a table is flat. Every table is flat enough for a cat, and no table is flat enough for a pen. The spirit level has been knocked off six tables, which makes it the most replicated object in our archive.

    The Stopwatch

    We time the interval between the first paw touch and the fall. The shortest recorded interval is 0.4 seconds. The longest is 47 minutes, set by a cat named Doris, who is thought to have been napping in the middle of it.

    The Camera

    Our high speed camera captures a thousand frames a second, which is how we know that the cat looks at the camera in frame 212. Always frame 212.

    The Missing Item

    The Laser Pointer

    Used for alignment only. A cat once looked at the dot, looked at the Bureau, and looked at the dot again, and then left the room. The Replicator did not see the cat again until supper. We no longer carry the pointer on a Tuesday.

    The Clipboard

    Every Replicator carries a clipboard. None of them can hold it for long. The Bureau has solved this by tying it to a tripod, which has been knocked over nine times and is therefore our most thoroughly tested piece of equipment.

    The Tea Thermos

    Not strictly scientific, but vital. A Replicator with tea writes better notes. A Replicator without tea writes fewer notes and a longer sulk.

    Overall Rating

    We rate the Bureau’s equipment four paws out of five. The fifth paw is on the tape, and will remain there until it gets bored.

    We cannot find the Bureau’s calibrated gravity weight. Last seen on a windowsill. We have a theory about where it went, and the theory is a long drop.

  • Memo: The Pen Roll Has Been Reclassified

    Memo: The Pen Roll Has Been Reclassified

    TO: All Replicators. FROM: Office of the Director. RE: Reclassification of the desk pen roll.

    Effective Monday, the Bureau will no longer record the desk pen roll as a Category One Drop. It will instead be recorded as a Category Two Roll, followed by a Category One Drop. This change reflects what happens.

    Reasoning

    A pen does not fall. A pen travels. It is nudged, it rolls, it considers the edge, and then it falls. Our previous system treated these as one event, which led to claims that were, frankly, too brief. The new system allows us to bill for two events and describe both of them in loving detail.

    • Category One Drop: object leaves surface, descends, arrives
    • Category Two Roll: object moves along surface under paw guidance
    • Category Three Hesitation: object stops at the edge, usually for effect

    New Procedures

    Replicators attending a pen incident must now record the length of the pen, the angle of the desk, and the mood of the cat. The mood field has three options: focused, bored, and triumphant. Please avoid writing smug. It is not a recognised category, although we all know it is the correct one.

    Training

    A short training session will be held on Thursday. Attendance is mandatory. Snacks will be available only to those who arrive on time, and will be sat on by those who do not.

    Questions may be directed to the Director’s office, which is the warm part of the windowsill. Please knock. Gently. She is thinking.

    Impact On Billing

    The new categories will affect invoices. Previously a pen incident was billed as one unit. It will now be billed as two units plus a Hesitation Surcharge, which is calculated per second of dramatic pause. Clients may dispute the surcharge. We will respond by pausing dramatically.

    A Note From The Pen

    The Bureau recognises that the pen was not consulted. Inspector Biscuit approached the pen and asked for comment. The pen rolled slightly to the left. We have recorded this as no objection.

    This memo will self destruct, by which we mean someone will knock it off the table.

  • A Plain Guide to Reading Your Replication Certificate

    A Plain Guide to Reading Your Replication Certificate

    Clients regularly ask what the boxes on a Bureau Replication Certificate mean. This guide answers that, and also explains why one box is always already ticked.

    The Header

    At the top you will find the case number, which always begins with the letters PR and ends with a number that means nothing. Beneath it is the seal of the Bureau: a paw inside a circle, which the founders believe looks official and which, to be fair, does.

    The Four Boxes

    • Box one: Fall Occurred. This is ticked in advance on every certificate, as we have never had a client request a replication of something that did not fall.
    • Box two: Fall Was Faithful. This is ticked if the object fell in the same direction, at the same speed, with the same level of drama.
    • Box three: Cat Was Present. This is ticked if a cat was present, which is a mercy, since a cat is nearly always present.
    • Box four: Cat Seemed Sorry. This box has never been ticked and the Bureau is considering removing it.

    The Signature Block

    Three signatures appear at the bottom. The first is from the Lead Replicator. The second is from a witness, who is usually a different cat. The third is a smudge, which is the official signature of the Bureau Director, Dame Pomfret, who signs with her whole paw because she believes a pen would be an admission that a hand exists.

    What Certificates Are Good For

    Our certificates are accepted nowhere. They are, however, deeply satisfying to place on a refrigerator. Several clients have told us they use them to settle arguments at home. We do not recommend this, as the argument is usually about who left the glass there, and the certificate does not say.

    A Word On Paw Prints

    The paw print on every certificate is real. We obtain it by pressing a clean paw onto a soft ink pad shaped like a lily. The cat is asked politely, three times, and then given a snack, and then asked again. Roughly half of our certificates carry a print from the intended cat. The other half carry the print of whichever cat happened to be nearest, which, as our legal disclaimer states, is close enough.

    Certificate Grades

    For clients who want something more specific we offer three grades of certificate. The Standard Grade comes on cream paper with a hand stamped seal. The Premium Grade comes on heavier paper and carries a small embossed whisker. The Executive Grade is printed on a sheet of actual felt and is accompanied by a short ceremony in which a cat walks across it.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    Can I frame my certificate? Yes. We recommend a frame with a lip, so that the cat can push it off with some dignity.

    Can I use it in court? We have no idea. We have never tried. If you do, please bring a cat.

    Can I request that Box Four be ticked? You may request it. The Director has been known to read these requests aloud at staff meetings, and everyone has laughed.

    Our Promise

    We stand behind each certificate. In the event that it is lost, damaged or sat upon, we will issue a replacement for a small fee. In the event that it is pushed off a shelf, we will treat it as a new case and bill accordingly.

    Archiving

    Every certificate is photographed and filed in the Bureau archive, which is a cupboard. The cupboard has a cat in it. We consider the cat part of the filing system, and the cat considers the cupboard hers. Retrieval requests take between two days and one nap.

    If you would like a certificate reissued because a cat sat on the original, please send the sat on original. We will repair it by sitting on a replacement.