The Purrfect Repro Bureau exists to answer one question for our clients: can it happen again? In the case of the Hendricks Mug Incident, the answer was yes, and it took us four minutes.
The client, a human of average disposition, contacted us after a blue mug fell from the kitchen counter at 6:40 on a Tuesday morning. She wanted to know whether this was an accident or a pattern. We do not take sides. We take measurements.
The Original Event
Our Lead Replicator, Inspector Biscuit, arrived at the scene with a clipboard he cannot hold and a stare he can. The mug had been placed 2 centimetres from the edge of the counter. The cat of the house, a grey animal named Colonel Pickle, had been sitting nearby with an expression our report describes as casual to a suspicious degree.
The Replication Procedure
We obtained an identical mug. We placed it at the identical distance. We then did nothing at all for eleven minutes, which our methodology document calls the Patience Phase. Colonel Pickle looked at the mug, looked at Inspector Biscuit, and looked at the mug again.
- Phase one: establish the mug and the edge
- Phase two: introduce the paw at an angle of roughly nine degrees
- Phase three: observe the fall
- Phase four: observe the cat observing the fall
The fall occurred on the fourth attempt. The first three were rehearsals, which the client was not charged for, as they were mostly the cat testing whether anyone was watching.
Findings
The Bureau concludes that the incident was not an accident. It was a scheduled event with a flexible start time. The mug did not break, as it landed on a folded towel we had placed there for compassionate reasons, but Colonel Pickle looked at the towel with open disappointment and walked away.
“It fell exactly the way I remember. Even the little bounce. I do not know how I feel about that.” Client, name withheld for her own protection.
Recommendations
We advise the client to move the mug, which she will not do, because she likes the mug there. We therefore also advise her to buy a second mug for the next replication. Our rate for repeat incidents is reduced, because by the third one the cat usually stops pretending.
Equipment Used
Replication is a matter of tools and temperament. For the Hendricks case we deployed a laser level, a high speed camera, a folding ruler, a thermos of tea for the humans, and a small velvet cushion for the cat, because we have learned that comfort improves performance. A cat who is cold will not fall anything. A cat who is warm and slightly offended will fall an entire shelf.
We also deployed the Bureau’s Witness Cat, a retired barn animal named Dolores, whose job is to sit by the door and look unimpressed. Her presence is not scientifically required. It simply keeps everyone honest, and prevents Inspector Biscuit from claiming he did it himself.
What We Learned About Counters
A kitchen counter is not a flat surface. It is a stage with a sloped back edge, a toast crumb on the left side and an invisible line near the kettle that no cat has ever crossed on purpose. The mug had been set precisely on that line. We believe the cat did not choose the mug. The cat chose the line, and the mug happened to be standing on it.
The Bureau has since produced a diagram of the kitchen showing eleven drop zones, ranked by cat enthusiasm. The mug zone ranked fourth. First place went to the butter dish, which has never actually fallen but is watched every morning like a lighthouse.
A Note On Ethics
The Bureau holds itself to a high standard. We never push anything that has not already been pushed. We never replace a mug with a better mug. And we never, under any circumstances, tell a client that the cat is sorry, because the cat is not, and honesty is our one remaining asset.
The Bureau thanks Colonel Pickle for his cooperation. He has not asked for a fee, which is unusual, but he has asked for the towel.
