Purrfect Repro Bureau

Category: Methodology

  • The Bureau’s Position On Dogs, Children And Other Variables

    The Bureau’s Position On Dogs, Children And Other Variables

    The Bureau regularly receives suggestions that a fall was caused by a dog, a child, a draught or a ghost. We address each.

    Dogs are acknowledged as sources of falling objects, though less precise. A dog knocks an item off with the whole body. A cat does it with one paw and a plan.

    Children are acknowledged. They are loud, however, and the Bureau prefers quiet disasters.

    Draughts are accepted in rare cases. We require a cat to have been seen standing in the draught, looking responsible.

    Ghosts are not accepted. We have asked for a cat to certify them, and none has agreed.

    Draughts In Depth

    The Bureau owns a small fan for draught tests. In the one trial where it succeeded in moving a napkin, a cat appeared and took credit. We have not run the test again.

    On Ghosts

    Several clients have reported that a spirit knocks over their objects. We replied that a spirit would at least apologise. The cat does not. This is, to us, the strongest piece of evidence available.

    Our Final Position

    When all other causes have been excluded, the cause is the cat. When all other causes have been included, the cause is still the cat. We find this a restful way to work.

    Appendix

    For those who wish to dispute our findings, a form is available at the front desk. It is a single sheet of paper. Please fill it out and place it on a table edge. We will deal with it in due course, probably by the next morning, in the place where the form was last seen.

    Case Note

    One client insisted that the wind had pushed her lamp. We invited the wind to attend a hearing. The wind did not come, but the cat did, and sat in the front row, looking sympathetic in a way that fooled nobody.

    In all cases, the Bureau reserves the right to conclude that it was the cat.

  • A Short History of the Edge

    A Short History of the Edge

    The edge is where things happen. Every incident the Bureau has ever replicated began at one and ended on the floor below it.

    The first recorded complaint about the edge was written, according to our archive, by a scribe in a library who lost a quill. The cat of that library has no name in the record. We call her Ancient Whiskers, as a courtesy.

    The edge has changed over time. It has been round, square, bevelled and, in one regrettable decade, glass. None of these designs stopped a cat. A rounded edge simply made the object roll more gracefully.

    Modern edges are the most dangerous because they look safe. A smooth, polished, modern edge has the friction of a frozen pond. The Bureau regards this as good news, since it means business.

    The Edge In Art

    Painters have long depicted the edge, usually with a cat on it. The Bureau owns a small collection of such works, each showing a feline in a pose of mild menace. One painting, titled Lunch Break, shows a cat and a jug with the title written in the cat’s handwriting.

    Edge Maintenance

    The Bureau recommends against polishing edges. A well polished edge is a quicker edge. Instead, we suggest leaving them slightly sticky, which our members describe as a pleasant, slow torture for the cat.

    The Future Of The Edge

    We predict the edge will remain exactly as it is: a very small place where large things happen. Please visit our Gallery of Edges on the first Friday of the month. Admission is free if you bring a jug.

    A Visitor Remark

    A member of the public once asked the Bureau whether the edge was not simply the end of the table. We replied that this was a very human view, and we sent him a certificate of apology to cheer him up. He framed it. It fell.

    We close with the founding principle of the Bureau: what has an edge will, in time, have a cat beside it.

  • How To Prepare Your Home For A Replication Visit

    How To Prepare Your Home For A Replication Visit

    A Bureau visit is simple. We arrive, we observe, we replicate, and we leave. These steps will help.

    • Leave the object where it fell. Do not tidy it. A tidy scene is a lie.
    • Tell us which cat. If you do not know, tell us which cats.
    • Provide tea. The Replicators will not drink it, but the cat will want to see it fall.
    • Remove your own breakables. We will bring a replica set.
    • Do not speak during the fall. The cat will take it as feedback.
    • Keep a towel handy for the second fall.
    • Do not ask whether it will happen again. It will.
    • Offer a treat afterwards. This is not a reward. It is a closing ceremony.

    Why We Ask For These Things

    The Bureau’s questions are not decoration. When we ask you to leave the object where it fell, we are protecting the scene. When we ask you to provide a towel, we are protecting the floor. When we ask you to stay quiet, we are protecting the cat’s concentration, which is fragile and has the attention span of a teaspoon.

    What To Expect On The Day

    Two Replicators will arrive in a van with a picture of a falling teacup painted on the side. They will wipe their paws on your mat, greet the household cat, and begin the observation with a long, respectful silence. After about forty minutes they will leave the room, then come back, then leave again. This is normal.

    After The Visit

    You will receive a certificate by post, in an envelope with a small paw smudge. If the smudge is missing, please write to us. We will send a replacement smudge.

    Checklist Summary

    In short: leave the scene, provide the towel, keep quiet and trust the cat. If you remember only one thing from this page, remember the towel. It has saved more floors than any invention in history, and it has never once been thanked.

    Thank you for choosing the Bureau. Mind the edge.

  • A Plain Guide to Reading Your Replication Certificate

    A Plain Guide to Reading Your Replication Certificate

    Clients regularly ask what the boxes on a Bureau Replication Certificate mean. This guide answers that, and also explains why one box is always already ticked.

    The Header

    At the top you will find the case number, which always begins with the letters PR and ends with a number that means nothing. Beneath it is the seal of the Bureau: a paw inside a circle, which the founders believe looks official and which, to be fair, does.

    The Four Boxes

    • Box one: Fall Occurred. This is ticked in advance on every certificate, as we have never had a client request a replication of something that did not fall.
    • Box two: Fall Was Faithful. This is ticked if the object fell in the same direction, at the same speed, with the same level of drama.
    • Box three: Cat Was Present. This is ticked if a cat was present, which is a mercy, since a cat is nearly always present.
    • Box four: Cat Seemed Sorry. This box has never been ticked and the Bureau is considering removing it.

    The Signature Block

    Three signatures appear at the bottom. The first is from the Lead Replicator. The second is from a witness, who is usually a different cat. The third is a smudge, which is the official signature of the Bureau Director, Dame Pomfret, who signs with her whole paw because she believes a pen would be an admission that a hand exists.

    What Certificates Are Good For

    Our certificates are accepted nowhere. They are, however, deeply satisfying to place on a refrigerator. Several clients have told us they use them to settle arguments at home. We do not recommend this, as the argument is usually about who left the glass there, and the certificate does not say.

    A Word On Paw Prints

    The paw print on every certificate is real. We obtain it by pressing a clean paw onto a soft ink pad shaped like a lily. The cat is asked politely, three times, and then given a snack, and then asked again. Roughly half of our certificates carry a print from the intended cat. The other half carry the print of whichever cat happened to be nearest, which, as our legal disclaimer states, is close enough.

    Certificate Grades

    For clients who want something more specific we offer three grades of certificate. The Standard Grade comes on cream paper with a hand stamped seal. The Premium Grade comes on heavier paper and carries a small embossed whisker. The Executive Grade is printed on a sheet of actual felt and is accompanied by a short ceremony in which a cat walks across it.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    Can I frame my certificate? Yes. We recommend a frame with a lip, so that the cat can push it off with some dignity.

    Can I use it in court? We have no idea. We have never tried. If you do, please bring a cat.

    Can I request that Box Four be ticked? You may request it. The Director has been known to read these requests aloud at staff meetings, and everyone has laughed.

    Our Promise

    We stand behind each certificate. In the event that it is lost, damaged or sat upon, we will issue a replacement for a small fee. In the event that it is pushed off a shelf, we will treat it as a new case and bill accordingly.

    Archiving

    Every certificate is photographed and filed in the Bureau archive, which is a cupboard. The cupboard has a cat in it. We consider the cat part of the filing system, and the cat considers the cupboard hers. Retrieval requests take between two days and one nap.

    If you would like a certificate reissued because a cat sat on the original, please send the sat on original. We will repair it by sitting on a replacement.