Purrfect Repro Bureau

Category: Client Letters

  • Testimonials, Verified By Nobody

    Testimonials, Verified By Nobody

    We receive many kind words. We have selected five and verified none.

    “They fell my vase eleven times. I have never felt so seen.” A customer who preferred to be anonymous.

    “The Bureau reproduced my kitchen disaster in under an hour. The cat left a review of its own, which was a stare.” Another customer, possibly the same one.

    “I wanted closure. I got a certificate and a paw print.” A satisfied client.

    “We hired the Bureau to prove the cat was innocent. The cat has since been promoted.” A confused household.

    “Excellent. Fell again.” A final, concise review.

    Reviews From The Cats

    We also asked the cats for feedback. Their responses were, in order: a long blink, a yawn, and the slow removal of a pencil from a nearby shelf. We have interpreted these as five stars, three stars and a formal complaint.

    A Note On Authenticity

    Some readers may wonder whether these testimonials are real. They are as real as the Bureau’s license, which is also in a drawer and which has a paw print on it. We stand by every one.

    Leave Your Own

    If you would like to submit a testimonial, please write it on a piece of paper and leave it on a table edge. We will find it.

    Our Commitment To Honesty

    The Bureau cares deeply about truth. For this reason, none of the testimonials above have been edited, except where a reviewer was rude, where a reviewer was unclear, or where a reviewer was not a person. In those cases we corrected them gently, with a stamp.

    Methodology

    Each testimonial is assigned a reliability score between one and ten. The scores are decided by throwing a pen across the office and counting how long it takes the Director to look up. The average score is a respectable six, which we describe publicly as very good.

    We thank every reviewer, real or invented. They are all equally accurate.

  • Letters to the Bureau: ‘My Cat Pushes Things Off. Is That Normal?’

    Letters to the Bureau: ‘My Cat Pushes Things Off. Is That Normal?’

    Each month we answer questions from the public, selected for volume rather than sense. This month’s letters are below.

    Letter One

    Dear Bureau, my cat pushes objects off tables while looking directly at me. Is this normal?

    Dear reader, yes. The staring is part of the procedure. If the cat were not looking at you, the fall would have no witness, and an unwitnessed fall is merely a mess.

    Letter Two

    Dear Bureau, I put all my breakables on a high shelf. The cat found them within an hour. How?

    Dear reader, a shelf is a challenge and a cat is an engineer. Please accept that you have built her a gym.

    Letter Three

    Dear Bureau, can you replicate a fall that I did not see but only heard?

    Letter Four

    Dear Bureau, I recently bought a bookcase and the cat has already taken three books off it. Should I stop buying books?

    Dear reader, no. The cat is helping you decide which books to read. She is simply a very forceful librarian.

    Letter Five

    Dear Bureau, my cat knocks over my coffee cup while maintaining eye contact. I feel judged.

    Dear reader, you are being judged. The cat has watched you drink three cups before 9 AM and has formed a view. The cup is a message.

    Letter Six

    Dear Bureau, is it true that cats only push things off tables in order to annoy us?

    Dear reader, no. They also do it for fun, for science and for the sound. Annoying you is merely a bonus, like a free pen.

    Closing Note

    We read every letter and answer perhaps a third of them. The rest are used as bedding by the Director. Please keep writing. She is running low.

    Dear reader, yes. We offer an Audio Only service. A technician will listen to your description and recreate the sound with a spoon and a metal bowl. It is not accurate. It is, however, dramatic.