Each month we answer questions from the public, selected for volume rather than sense. This month’s letters are below.
Letter One
Dear Bureau, my cat pushes objects off tables while looking directly at me. Is this normal?
Dear reader, yes. The staring is part of the procedure. If the cat were not looking at you, the fall would have no witness, and an unwitnessed fall is merely a mess.
Letter Two
Dear Bureau, I put all my breakables on a high shelf. The cat found them within an hour. How?
Dear reader, a shelf is a challenge and a cat is an engineer. Please accept that you have built her a gym.
Letter Three
Dear Bureau, can you replicate a fall that I did not see but only heard?
Letter Four
Dear Bureau, I recently bought a bookcase and the cat has already taken three books off it. Should I stop buying books?
Dear reader, no. The cat is helping you decide which books to read. She is simply a very forceful librarian.
Letter Five
Dear Bureau, my cat knocks over my coffee cup while maintaining eye contact. I feel judged.
Dear reader, you are being judged. The cat has watched you drink three cups before 9 AM and has formed a view. The cup is a message.
Letter Six
Dear Bureau, is it true that cats only push things off tables in order to annoy us?
Dear reader, no. They also do it for fun, for science and for the sound. Annoying you is merely a bonus, like a free pen.
Closing Note
We read every letter and answer perhaps a third of them. The rest are used as bedding by the Director. Please keep writing. She is running low.
Dear reader, yes. We offer an Audio Only service. A technician will listen to your description and recreate the sound with a spoon and a metal bowl. It is not accurate. It is, however, dramatic.
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