Purrfect Repro Bureau

Tag: shelf

  • Press Release: Bureau Opens Dedicated Plant Pot Division

    Press Release: Bureau Opens Dedicated Plant Pot Division

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Purrfect Repro Bureau today opened its Plant Pot Division, a specialist unit devoted to the replication of fallen houseplants.

    Division Head Dr. Marigold Thatcher said the move responds to a rise in client enquiries. “People call us when the fern has gone over. They want to know if it was the cat, the draught or the fern’s own decision. It was the cat.”

    The Division will offer three services: soil scatter mapping, root exposure analysis, and a Sympathy Package for ferns.

    Services Offered

    • Soil Scatter Mapping: we measure how far a spilled pot of earth travels and we plot it on a chart shaped like a small galaxy.
    • Root Exposure Analysis: we examine the roots to confirm they are, as suspected, roots.
    • Pot Rebound Study: we determine whether a ceramic pot bounces once or twice, and whether it sounds apologetic.
    • Sympathy Package: a card, a cuttings kit and a quiet moment in which the plant is addressed by name.

    About Dr. Thatcher

    Dr. Marigold Thatcher joined the Bureau after twenty years as a houseplant, according to her own account. She holds no degrees and a great many leaves. Her first act as Division Head was to purchase a very small broom.

    Quotes From The Launch

    At the opening ceremony, a ribbon was cut by a cat, and a pot was dropped by the same cat, and the crowd applauded both with equal sincerity. A reporter asked whether the Bureau would expand into cacti. Dr. Thatcher replied that cacti were a different department and had a different attitude.

    Availability

    The Plant Pot Division is open Tuesday to Saturday. Walk ins are welcome, but we recommend booking, since the Division fills fast after a long weekend and a new fern delivery.

    The Bureau reminds the public that any resemblance between our results and your suspicions is entirely deliberate.

  • Letters to the Bureau: ‘My Cat Pushes Things Off. Is That Normal?’

    Letters to the Bureau: ‘My Cat Pushes Things Off. Is That Normal?’

    Each month we answer questions from the public, selected for volume rather than sense. This month’s letters are below.

    Letter One

    Dear Bureau, my cat pushes objects off tables while looking directly at me. Is this normal?

    Dear reader, yes. The staring is part of the procedure. If the cat were not looking at you, the fall would have no witness, and an unwitnessed fall is merely a mess.

    Letter Two

    Dear Bureau, I put all my breakables on a high shelf. The cat found them within an hour. How?

    Dear reader, a shelf is a challenge and a cat is an engineer. Please accept that you have built her a gym.

    Letter Three

    Dear Bureau, can you replicate a fall that I did not see but only heard?

    Letter Four

    Dear Bureau, I recently bought a bookcase and the cat has already taken three books off it. Should I stop buying books?

    Dear reader, no. The cat is helping you decide which books to read. She is simply a very forceful librarian.

    Letter Five

    Dear Bureau, my cat knocks over my coffee cup while maintaining eye contact. I feel judged.

    Dear reader, you are being judged. The cat has watched you drink three cups before 9 AM and has formed a view. The cup is a message.

    Letter Six

    Dear Bureau, is it true that cats only push things off tables in order to annoy us?

    Dear reader, no. They also do it for fun, for science and for the sound. Annoying you is merely a bonus, like a free pen.

    Closing Note

    We read every letter and answer perhaps a third of them. The rest are used as bedding by the Director. Please keep writing. She is running low.

    Dear reader, yes. We offer an Audio Only service. A technician will listen to your description and recreate the sound with a spoon and a metal bowl. It is not accurate. It is, however, dramatic.