Purrfect Repro Bureau

Tag: gravity

  • The Bureau’s Position On Dogs, Children And Other Variables

    The Bureau’s Position On Dogs, Children And Other Variables

    The Bureau regularly receives suggestions that a fall was caused by a dog, a child, a draught or a ghost. We address each.

    Dogs are acknowledged as sources of falling objects, though less precise. A dog knocks an item off with the whole body. A cat does it with one paw and a plan.

    Children are acknowledged. They are loud, however, and the Bureau prefers quiet disasters.

    Draughts are accepted in rare cases. We require a cat to have been seen standing in the draught, looking responsible.

    Ghosts are not accepted. We have asked for a cat to certify them, and none has agreed.

    Draughts In Depth

    The Bureau owns a small fan for draught tests. In the one trial where it succeeded in moving a napkin, a cat appeared and took credit. We have not run the test again.

    On Ghosts

    Several clients have reported that a spirit knocks over their objects. We replied that a spirit would at least apologise. The cat does not. This is, to us, the strongest piece of evidence available.

    Our Final Position

    When all other causes have been excluded, the cause is the cat. When all other causes have been included, the cause is still the cat. We find this a restful way to work.

    Appendix

    For those who wish to dispute our findings, a form is available at the front desk. It is a single sheet of paper. Please fill it out and place it on a table edge. We will deal with it in due course, probably by the next morning, in the place where the form was last seen.

    Case Note

    One client insisted that the wind had pushed her lamp. We invited the wind to attend a hearing. The wind did not come, but the cat did, and sat in the front row, looking sympathetic in a way that fooled nobody.

    In all cases, the Bureau reserves the right to conclude that it was the cat.

  • Testimonials, Verified By Nobody

    Testimonials, Verified By Nobody

    We receive many kind words. We have selected five and verified none.

    “They fell my vase eleven times. I have never felt so seen.” A customer who preferred to be anonymous.

    “The Bureau reproduced my kitchen disaster in under an hour. The cat left a review of its own, which was a stare.” Another customer, possibly the same one.

    “I wanted closure. I got a certificate and a paw print.” A satisfied client.

    “We hired the Bureau to prove the cat was innocent. The cat has since been promoted.” A confused household.

    “Excellent. Fell again.” A final, concise review.

    Reviews From The Cats

    We also asked the cats for feedback. Their responses were, in order: a long blink, a yawn, and the slow removal of a pencil from a nearby shelf. We have interpreted these as five stars, three stars and a formal complaint.

    A Note On Authenticity

    Some readers may wonder whether these testimonials are real. They are as real as the Bureau’s license, which is also in a drawer and which has a paw print on it. We stand by every one.

    Leave Your Own

    If you would like to submit a testimonial, please write it on a piece of paper and leave it on a table edge. We will find it.

    Our Commitment To Honesty

    The Bureau cares deeply about truth. For this reason, none of the testimonials above have been edited, except where a reviewer was rude, where a reviewer was unclear, or where a reviewer was not a person. In those cases we corrected them gently, with a stamp.

    Methodology

    Each testimonial is assigned a reliability score between one and ten. The scores are decided by throwing a pen across the office and counting how long it takes the Director to look up. The average score is a respectable six, which we describe publicly as very good.

    We thank every reviewer, real or invented. They are all equally accurate.

  • A Short History of the Edge

    A Short History of the Edge

    The edge is where things happen. Every incident the Bureau has ever replicated began at one and ended on the floor below it.

    The first recorded complaint about the edge was written, according to our archive, by a scribe in a library who lost a quill. The cat of that library has no name in the record. We call her Ancient Whiskers, as a courtesy.

    The edge has changed over time. It has been round, square, bevelled and, in one regrettable decade, glass. None of these designs stopped a cat. A rounded edge simply made the object roll more gracefully.

    Modern edges are the most dangerous because they look safe. A smooth, polished, modern edge has the friction of a frozen pond. The Bureau regards this as good news, since it means business.

    The Edge In Art

    Painters have long depicted the edge, usually with a cat on it. The Bureau owns a small collection of such works, each showing a feline in a pose of mild menace. One painting, titled Lunch Break, shows a cat and a jug with the title written in the cat’s handwriting.

    Edge Maintenance

    The Bureau recommends against polishing edges. A well polished edge is a quicker edge. Instead, we suggest leaving them slightly sticky, which our members describe as a pleasant, slow torture for the cat.

    The Future Of The Edge

    We predict the edge will remain exactly as it is: a very small place where large things happen. Please visit our Gallery of Edges on the first Friday of the month. Admission is free if you bring a jug.

    A Visitor Remark

    A member of the public once asked the Bureau whether the edge was not simply the end of the table. We replied that this was a very human view, and we sent him a certificate of apology to cheer him up. He framed it. It fell.

    We close with the founding principle of the Bureau: what has an edge will, in time, have a cat beside it.

  • Press Release: Bureau Opens Dedicated Plant Pot Division

    Press Release: Bureau Opens Dedicated Plant Pot Division

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Purrfect Repro Bureau today opened its Plant Pot Division, a specialist unit devoted to the replication of fallen houseplants.

    Division Head Dr. Marigold Thatcher said the move responds to a rise in client enquiries. “People call us when the fern has gone over. They want to know if it was the cat, the draught or the fern’s own decision. It was the cat.”

    The Division will offer three services: soil scatter mapping, root exposure analysis, and a Sympathy Package for ferns.

    Services Offered

    • Soil Scatter Mapping: we measure how far a spilled pot of earth travels and we plot it on a chart shaped like a small galaxy.
    • Root Exposure Analysis: we examine the roots to confirm they are, as suspected, roots.
    • Pot Rebound Study: we determine whether a ceramic pot bounces once or twice, and whether it sounds apologetic.
    • Sympathy Package: a card, a cuttings kit and a quiet moment in which the plant is addressed by name.

    About Dr. Thatcher

    Dr. Marigold Thatcher joined the Bureau after twenty years as a houseplant, according to her own account. She holds no degrees and a great many leaves. Her first act as Division Head was to purchase a very small broom.

    Quotes From The Launch

    At the opening ceremony, a ribbon was cut by a cat, and a pot was dropped by the same cat, and the crowd applauded both with equal sincerity. A reporter asked whether the Bureau would expand into cacti. Dr. Thatcher replied that cacti were a different department and had a different attitude.

    Availability

    The Plant Pot Division is open Tuesday to Saturday. Walk ins are welcome, but we recommend booking, since the Division fills fast after a long weekend and a new fern delivery.

    The Bureau reminds the public that any resemblance between our results and your suspicions is entirely deliberate.

  • Letters to the Bureau: ‘My Cat Pushes Things Off. Is That Normal?’

    Letters to the Bureau: ‘My Cat Pushes Things Off. Is That Normal?’

    Each month we answer questions from the public, selected for volume rather than sense. This month’s letters are below.

    Letter One

    Dear Bureau, my cat pushes objects off tables while looking directly at me. Is this normal?

    Dear reader, yes. The staring is part of the procedure. If the cat were not looking at you, the fall would have no witness, and an unwitnessed fall is merely a mess.

    Letter Two

    Dear Bureau, I put all my breakables on a high shelf. The cat found them within an hour. How?

    Dear reader, a shelf is a challenge and a cat is an engineer. Please accept that you have built her a gym.

    Letter Three

    Dear Bureau, can you replicate a fall that I did not see but only heard?

    Letter Four

    Dear Bureau, I recently bought a bookcase and the cat has already taken three books off it. Should I stop buying books?

    Dear reader, no. The cat is helping you decide which books to read. She is simply a very forceful librarian.

    Letter Five

    Dear Bureau, my cat knocks over my coffee cup while maintaining eye contact. I feel judged.

    Dear reader, you are being judged. The cat has watched you drink three cups before 9 AM and has formed a view. The cup is a message.

    Letter Six

    Dear Bureau, is it true that cats only push things off tables in order to annoy us?

    Dear reader, no. They also do it for fun, for science and for the sound. Annoying you is merely a bonus, like a free pen.

    Closing Note

    We read every letter and answer perhaps a third of them. The rest are used as bedding by the Director. Please keep writing. She is running low.

    Dear reader, yes. We offer an Audio Only service. A technician will listen to your description and recreate the sound with a spoon and a metal bowl. It is not accurate. It is, however, dramatic.