The Bureau invests heavily in precision tools. This review covers the five items we use most, and the one item we cannot find.
The Tape
Our main measuring tape is five metres long and has been sat on by four cats. It now reads accurately only to the nearest cat. We have decided this is acceptable.
The Spirit Level
Used to confirm that a table is flat. Every table is flat enough for a cat, and no table is flat enough for a pen. The spirit level has been knocked off six tables, which makes it the most replicated object in our archive.
The Stopwatch
We time the interval between the first paw touch and the fall. The shortest recorded interval is 0.4 seconds. The longest is 47 minutes, set by a cat named Doris, who is thought to have been napping in the middle of it.
The Camera
Our high speed camera captures a thousand frames a second, which is how we know that the cat looks at the camera in frame 212. Always frame 212.
The Missing Item
The Laser Pointer
Used for alignment only. A cat once looked at the dot, looked at the Bureau, and looked at the dot again, and then left the room. The Replicator did not see the cat again until supper. We no longer carry the pointer on a Tuesday.
The Clipboard
Every Replicator carries a clipboard. None of them can hold it for long. The Bureau has solved this by tying it to a tripod, which has been knocked over nine times and is therefore our most thoroughly tested piece of equipment.
The Tea Thermos
Not strictly scientific, but vital. A Replicator with tea writes better notes. A Replicator without tea writes fewer notes and a longer sulk.
Overall Rating
We rate the Bureau’s equipment four paws out of five. The fifth paw is on the tape, and will remain there until it gets bored.
We cannot find the Bureau’s calibrated gravity weight. Last seen on a windowsill. We have a theory about where it went, and the theory is a long drop.
Leave a Reply