Clients regularly ask what the boxes on a Bureau Replication Certificate mean. This guide answers that, and also explains why one box is always already ticked.
The Header
At the top you will find the case number, which always begins with the letters PR and ends with a number that means nothing. Beneath it is the seal of the Bureau: a paw inside a circle, which the founders believe looks official and which, to be fair, does.
The Four Boxes
- Box one: Fall Occurred. This is ticked in advance on every certificate, as we have never had a client request a replication of something that did not fall.
- Box two: Fall Was Faithful. This is ticked if the object fell in the same direction, at the same speed, with the same level of drama.
- Box three: Cat Was Present. This is ticked if a cat was present, which is a mercy, since a cat is nearly always present.
- Box four: Cat Seemed Sorry. This box has never been ticked and the Bureau is considering removing it.
The Signature Block
Three signatures appear at the bottom. The first is from the Lead Replicator. The second is from a witness, who is usually a different cat. The third is a smudge, which is the official signature of the Bureau Director, Dame Pomfret, who signs with her whole paw because she believes a pen would be an admission that a hand exists.
What Certificates Are Good For
Our certificates are accepted nowhere. They are, however, deeply satisfying to place on a refrigerator. Several clients have told us they use them to settle arguments at home. We do not recommend this, as the argument is usually about who left the glass there, and the certificate does not say.
A Word On Paw Prints
The paw print on every certificate is real. We obtain it by pressing a clean paw onto a soft ink pad shaped like a lily. The cat is asked politely, three times, and then given a snack, and then asked again. Roughly half of our certificates carry a print from the intended cat. The other half carry the print of whichever cat happened to be nearest, which, as our legal disclaimer states, is close enough.
Certificate Grades
For clients who want something more specific we offer three grades of certificate. The Standard Grade comes on cream paper with a hand stamped seal. The Premium Grade comes on heavier paper and carries a small embossed whisker. The Executive Grade is printed on a sheet of actual felt and is accompanied by a short ceremony in which a cat walks across it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I frame my certificate? Yes. We recommend a frame with a lip, so that the cat can push it off with some dignity.
Can I use it in court? We have no idea. We have never tried. If you do, please bring a cat.
Can I request that Box Four be ticked? You may request it. The Director has been known to read these requests aloud at staff meetings, and everyone has laughed.
Our Promise
We stand behind each certificate. In the event that it is lost, damaged or sat upon, we will issue a replacement for a small fee. In the event that it is pushed off a shelf, we will treat it as a new case and bill accordingly.
Archiving
Every certificate is photographed and filed in the Bureau archive, which is a cupboard. The cupboard has a cat in it. We consider the cat part of the filing system, and the cat considers the cupboard hers. Retrieval requests take between two days and one nap.
If you would like a certificate reissued because a cat sat on the original, please send the sat on original. We will repair it by sitting on a replacement.
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