TO: All Replicators. FROM: Office of the Director. RE: Reclassification of the desk pen roll.
Effective Monday, the Bureau will no longer record the desk pen roll as a Category One Drop. It will instead be recorded as a Category Two Roll, followed by a Category One Drop. This change reflects what happens.
Reasoning
A pen does not fall. A pen travels. It is nudged, it rolls, it considers the edge, and then it falls. Our previous system treated these as one event, which led to claims that were, frankly, too brief. The new system allows us to bill for two events and describe both of them in loving detail.
- Category One Drop: object leaves surface, descends, arrives
- Category Two Roll: object moves along surface under paw guidance
- Category Three Hesitation: object stops at the edge, usually for effect
New Procedures
Replicators attending a pen incident must now record the length of the pen, the angle of the desk, and the mood of the cat. The mood field has three options: focused, bored, and triumphant. Please avoid writing smug. It is not a recognised category, although we all know it is the correct one.
Training
A short training session will be held on Thursday. Attendance is mandatory. Snacks will be available only to those who arrive on time, and will be sat on by those who do not.
Questions may be directed to the Director’s office, which is the warm part of the windowsill. Please knock. Gently. She is thinking.
Impact On Billing
The new categories will affect invoices. Previously a pen incident was billed as one unit. It will now be billed as two units plus a Hesitation Surcharge, which is calculated per second of dramatic pause. Clients may dispute the surcharge. We will respond by pausing dramatically.
A Note From The Pen
The Bureau recognises that the pen was not consulted. Inspector Biscuit approached the pen and asked for comment. The pen rolled slightly to the left. We have recorded this as no objection.
This memo will self destruct, by which we mean someone will knock it off the table.