Purrfect Repro Bureau

Category: Bureau News

  • Press Release: Bureau Opens Dedicated Plant Pot Division

    Press Release: Bureau Opens Dedicated Plant Pot Division

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Purrfect Repro Bureau today opened its Plant Pot Division, a specialist unit devoted to the replication of fallen houseplants.

    Division Head Dr. Marigold Thatcher said the move responds to a rise in client enquiries. “People call us when the fern has gone over. They want to know if it was the cat, the draught or the fern’s own decision. It was the cat.”

    The Division will offer three services: soil scatter mapping, root exposure analysis, and a Sympathy Package for ferns.

    Services Offered

    • Soil Scatter Mapping: we measure how far a spilled pot of earth travels and we plot it on a chart shaped like a small galaxy.
    • Root Exposure Analysis: we examine the roots to confirm they are, as suspected, roots.
    • Pot Rebound Study: we determine whether a ceramic pot bounces once or twice, and whether it sounds apologetic.
    • Sympathy Package: a card, a cuttings kit and a quiet moment in which the plant is addressed by name.

    About Dr. Thatcher

    Dr. Marigold Thatcher joined the Bureau after twenty years as a houseplant, according to her own account. She holds no degrees and a great many leaves. Her first act as Division Head was to purchase a very small broom.

    Quotes From The Launch

    At the opening ceremony, a ribbon was cut by a cat, and a pot was dropped by the same cat, and the crowd applauded both with equal sincerity. A reporter asked whether the Bureau would expand into cacti. Dr. Thatcher replied that cacti were a different department and had a different attitude.

    Availability

    The Plant Pot Division is open Tuesday to Saturday. Walk ins are welcome, but we recommend booking, since the Division fills fast after a long weekend and a new fern delivery.

    The Bureau reminds the public that any resemblance between our results and your suspicions is entirely deliberate.

  • Memo: The Pen Roll Has Been Reclassified

    Memo: The Pen Roll Has Been Reclassified

    TO: All Replicators. FROM: Office of the Director. RE: Reclassification of the desk pen roll.

    Effective Monday, the Bureau will no longer record the desk pen roll as a Category One Drop. It will instead be recorded as a Category Two Roll, followed by a Category One Drop. This change reflects what happens.

    Reasoning

    A pen does not fall. A pen travels. It is nudged, it rolls, it considers the edge, and then it falls. Our previous system treated these as one event, which led to claims that were, frankly, too brief. The new system allows us to bill for two events and describe both of them in loving detail.

    • Category One Drop: object leaves surface, descends, arrives
    • Category Two Roll: object moves along surface under paw guidance
    • Category Three Hesitation: object stops at the edge, usually for effect

    New Procedures

    Replicators attending a pen incident must now record the length of the pen, the angle of the desk, and the mood of the cat. The mood field has three options: focused, bored, and triumphant. Please avoid writing smug. It is not a recognised category, although we all know it is the correct one.

    Training

    A short training session will be held on Thursday. Attendance is mandatory. Snacks will be available only to those who arrive on time, and will be sat on by those who do not.

    Questions may be directed to the Director’s office, which is the warm part of the windowsill. Please knock. Gently. She is thinking.

    Impact On Billing

    The new categories will affect invoices. Previously a pen incident was billed as one unit. It will now be billed as two units plus a Hesitation Surcharge, which is calculated per second of dramatic pause. Clients may dispute the surcharge. We will respond by pausing dramatically.

    A Note From The Pen

    The Bureau recognises that the pen was not consulted. Inspector Biscuit approached the pen and asked for comment. The pen rolled slightly to the left. We have recorded this as no objection.

    This memo will self destruct, by which we mean someone will knock it off the table.